Oh I know it isn't. But to my head, it's healthier than slicing up my arms which is what stage I would normally be at right now. He wasn't... actually my first love though, more like third or fourth - which probably means I'm too idk... dreamistic (lolmadeupword) over love anyway. I am. Really. I say a lot of the time that I wouldn't want to get married - I wouldn't. But to have the wedding day, getting prettied up in a dress, walking down the aisle with flowers and confetti - God do I want that. Which is really where replaying that scene comes from. And I also know that Eli wasn't perfect - but no one really is. He was terrible to get hold of really, and was kind of just too young and inexperienced to really know what he was doing or anything. So it's not that I'll never allow myself to love again either. I've done it four times already - and I know they were actually loves, as I've had 3 that most definitely weren't.
Haha... yeah. I just. Don't see anything in it at all. And everytime someone close to me dies or something, I wish I was in that place - because honestly, they were probably enjoying and using their life much better. I say I'm going to do wonderful things and everything, but it's all a dream, in a way. I'm not equipped to do half the things I want to do, because I made all the wrong choices - I always have. So on one hand I just want to curl up and be a hermit and never have to deal with people - on the other. I just. Really want to actually be appreciated and loved. And this is what I cry to my counsellor about every week - because I don't get that from my parents, and I know that really I am still hoping my mum will stop being a cow and not listening to me when I reach out to her etc etc. I don't know.
XD Yeah pandas or koalas are always good bets. ♥ but it's okay! Take your time etc ;u;
no subject
Oh I know it isn't. But to my head, it's healthier than slicing up my arms which is what stage I would normally be at right now. He wasn't... actually my first love though, more like third or fourth - which probably means I'm too idk... dreamistic (lolmadeupword) over love anyway. I am. Really. I say a lot of the time that I wouldn't want to get married - I wouldn't. But to have the wedding day, getting prettied up in a dress, walking down the aisle with flowers and confetti - God do I want that. Which is really where replaying that scene comes from. And I also know that Eli wasn't perfect - but no one really is. He was terrible to get hold of really, and was kind of just too young and inexperienced to really know what he was doing or anything. So it's not that I'll never allow myself to love again either. I've done it four times already - and I know they were actually loves, as I've had 3 that most definitely weren't.
Haha... yeah. I just. Don't see anything in it at all. And everytime someone close to me dies or something, I wish I was in that place - because honestly, they were probably enjoying and using their life much better. I say I'm going to do wonderful things and everything, but it's all a dream, in a way. I'm not equipped to do half the things I want to do, because I made all the wrong choices - I always have. So on one hand I just want to curl up and be a hermit and never have to deal with people - on the other. I just. Really want to actually be appreciated and loved. And this is what I cry to my counsellor about every week - because I don't get that from my parents, and I know that really I am still hoping my mum will stop being a cow and not listening to me when I reach out to her etc etc. I don't know.
XD Yeah pandas or koalas are always good bets. ♥ but it's okay! Take your time etc ;u;