Tick tock

[wailmer]

What is happiness? I'm still wondering this (or perhaps have started to wonder this) after 22 years of living. In a week I turn 23. In a week, another year of my life will have ticked on by. This week a family friend, my Grandma's best friend, died. Unfortunately, instead of properly mourning this, I have half the problem of wishing this was me instead. I survive, by God do I survive. But I don't really see the point in living at all. I have neighbours from hell keeping me awake, I've texted the Police and I hope they settle down sometime soon, but you never know. It's a constant battle.

I also only have a few weeks left of classes, I finish the 30th April and thats with 3 weeks off between now and then. But I have no motivation. Nothing. I don't have counselling this week as my counsellor is away, but I need it. Trust it to be the week she's unavailable. It's not like she can give me the answer I need though.

I'm not even sure what the answer I need is.

Comments

[wailmer]

XD Fair enough C:

Oh I know it isn't. But to my head, it's healthier than slicing up my arms which is what stage I would normally be at right now. He wasn't... actually my first love though, more like third or fourth - which probably means I'm too idk... dreamistic (lolmadeupword) over love anyway. I am. Really. I say a lot of the time that I wouldn't want to get married - I wouldn't. But to have the wedding day, getting prettied up in a dress, walking down the aisle with flowers and confetti - God do I want that. Which is really where replaying that scene comes from. And I also know that Eli wasn't perfect - but no one really is. He was terrible to get hold of really, and was kind of just too young and inexperienced to really know what he was doing or anything. So it's not that I'll never allow myself to love again either. I've done it four times already - and I know they were actually loves, as I've had 3 that most definitely weren't.

Haha... yeah. I just. Don't see anything in it at all. And everytime someone close to me dies or something, I wish I was in that place - because honestly, they were probably enjoying and using their life much better. I say I'm going to do wonderful things and everything, but it's all a dream, in a way. I'm not equipped to do half the things I want to do, because I made all the wrong choices - I always have. So on one hand I just want to curl up and be a hermit and never have to deal with people - on the other. I just. Really want to actually be appreciated and loved. And this is what I cry to my counsellor about every week - because I don't get that from my parents, and I know that really I am still hoping my mum will stop being a cow and not listening to me when I reach out to her etc etc. I don't know.

XD Yeah pandas or koalas are always good bets. ♥ but it's okay! Take your time etc ;u;