![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Tick tock
What is happiness? I'm still wondering this (or perhaps have started to wonder this) after 22 years of living. In a week I turn 23. In a week, another year of my life will have ticked on by. This week a family friend, my Grandma's best friend, died. Unfortunately, instead of properly mourning this, I have half the problem of wishing this was me instead. I survive, by God do I survive. But I don't really see the point in living at all. I have neighbours from hell keeping me awake, I've texted the Police and I hope they settle down sometime soon, but you never know. It's a constant battle.
I also only have a few weeks left of classes, I finish the 30th April and thats with 3 weeks off between now and then. But I have no motivation. Nothing. I don't have counselling this week as my counsellor is away, but I need it. Trust it to be the week she's unavailable. It's not like she can give me the answer I need though.
I'm not even sure what the answer I need is.
I also only have a few weeks left of classes, I finish the 30th April and thats with 3 weeks off between now and then. But I have no motivation. Nothing. I don't have counselling this week as my counsellor is away, but I need it. Trust it to be the week she's unavailable. It's not like she can give me the answer I need though.
I'm not even sure what the answer I need is.
no subject
I'm not your counselor and I know it's not the same, but if you ever need to talk, I'm always there for you. And if you need something to sidetrack you besides a video game, then you've got it.
And I know this is going to sound stupid coming from someone who's felt the same for as long as I can remember, but... there's always something to live for. Small rewards for yourself. Things like your PS3, a log, game, or song - anything. Just as long as it makes you momentarily happy, go with it. Drown yourself in it. Sometimes that's all that can be afforded, especially in this world where everyone else is just thinking of themselves too. There's no sense in being miserable just because the world shits on you. Be happy in any way possible, just to stick it to whatever's trying to bring you down. Smile in the face of misery and let it know it hasn't won. ♥
Btw I know it's going to be late, considering I'm just asking now (and have the time/mind TO ask)... but I want to make you my first set of earrings. Is there a special design you might want? :3
no subject
I'm all a bit mixed up at the moment to be honest, but thank you. I know you're there, I just... can't articulate words I want to say, I guess.
It's not being happy though. I know that while I'm just letting myself be swallowed up to a point where my housemate has commented that it's reached a 'sad' level now, it's... not that she fully understands why I keep watching this scene from this video game. I get invested in Dragon Age because I can live in a fantasy world with the options I would pick - so it's not 100% playing as someone else like in a written RP. Also, there are romance options. For the PC version, someone has modded a wedding scene for after the game, where your character marries Alistair - this amazing dream come true guy - and that's the clip I keep watching.
So while I may love this game because it's kick ass, it's also because it lets me wallow in my misery and to be honest, it might seem/sound stupid, but I miss Eli a lot more than I let on. Even just for the simple things like him holding and stroking my hand, kissing my wrist or something like that. And this game can let me dream about that. I can't really talk to Hannah about it because she just went through a break up with Zach... and we never talk anyway. But idk. I've gone to creepy levels now, now I've gotten so low. My point being, is that everything has tinges of sadness to it now. I don't truly remember what being happy is, and the only time I feel it is when I close my eyes, and just dream. Life really... I just don't feel any connection to it anymore.
I'm not sure actually... maybe pandas, or something like that? c:? I'm not sure of what kind of things you can do with it but ;u; I like pandas.
no subject
You know. I wouldn't say it seems or sounds stupid as much as it says what you're doing is really not very healthy. Maybe it's because this is me, and after so much of men shitting on me I just don't give a damn and could never trust them enough, but I haven't really ever understood the connection you have with Eli. I mean, I can from a rational, textbook point of view. It sounds like he was your first love, and those never go away. So that's not the stuff I mean. What I don't understand is why you let yourself do this. He was only one man of many in the world, and from what I've seen he wasn't even a very good one (no offense). You're capable of being so wonderful with whomever you choose to open up to in this sense, but you'll never be able to do that if you keep sticking yourself back into a hole like this. It's okay to miss someone, so I'm not saying that, but it's not doing them any justice either if you're forever in pain over them. It means you can't allow yourself to love again.
So I get it, in a sense. It's just... not healthy.
I do understand not being connected to life, though. Whole heartedly. I hate looking out of my window and knowing there's no reason to go out there unless it's to buy something. Or see something. But maybe after you graduate uni and get a job somewhere, it'll be better? I mean, even if you can't find something there's always a way to make it. You have to be good at something, right? Anything will do. Like buying cheap clothes and reselling over the internet, for example. It takes a little money to make some, and if you keep the food spending down (lol) I'm sure you'll be able to do it! ♥
Ooo okay, though. Pandas... I don't know how, but I actually forgot about that. In that case, I think you'll likely get two sets of something. Probably. Once I... make them. The one you might get more of a kick out of, though. I just hope this stuff doesn't come out looking really cheap and stupid, honestly. :l
no subject
Oh I know it isn't. But to my head, it's healthier than slicing up my arms which is what stage I would normally be at right now. He wasn't... actually my first love though, more like third or fourth - which probably means I'm too idk... dreamistic (lolmadeupword) over love anyway. I am. Really. I say a lot of the time that I wouldn't want to get married - I wouldn't. But to have the wedding day, getting prettied up in a dress, walking down the aisle with flowers and confetti - God do I want that. Which is really where replaying that scene comes from. And I also know that Eli wasn't perfect - but no one really is. He was terrible to get hold of really, and was kind of just too young and inexperienced to really know what he was doing or anything. So it's not that I'll never allow myself to love again either. I've done it four times already - and I know they were actually loves, as I've had 3 that most definitely weren't.
Haha... yeah. I just. Don't see anything in it at all. And everytime someone close to me dies or something, I wish I was in that place - because honestly, they were probably enjoying and using their life much better. I say I'm going to do wonderful things and everything, but it's all a dream, in a way. I'm not equipped to do half the things I want to do, because I made all the wrong choices - I always have. So on one hand I just want to curl up and be a hermit and never have to deal with people - on the other. I just. Really want to actually be appreciated and loved. And this is what I cry to my counsellor about every week - because I don't get that from my parents, and I know that really I am still hoping my mum will stop being a cow and not listening to me when I reach out to her etc etc. I don't know.
XD Yeah pandas or koalas are always good bets. ♥ but it's okay! Take your time etc ;u;